Squandering the day

by Hilla Duka

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There’s no beating around the bush with it - not working is really hard for me. Work has always been such a big part of my life, when I was a stay at home mum it drove me insane, and then I had babies and toddlers all over the house. It drove me so much round the bend, I ended up starting my own company during Milos infancy. Needless to say, it’s been more than a little difficult learning to be on sick leave. And as basically all of my friends work full time and have careers of their own, when we meet up, the question always comes up - Really, what do you do all day??

 

Honestly, not much, but maybe more than one would expect. I say good bye to the kids and Ilir in the morning (he gets them up and dressed and fed since I’m still not a morning person - that much hasn’t changed), and then I clean up the house. I’ve usually cleared it a bit at night, but somehow the morning rituals seem to just completely clutter the house again. I reason that if I can start the day by getting it nice looking around me, I’ll have started on a good note, and it will bode well for the day to come. It’s become a bit of an obsession - I reason that the day I die will not start with me cleaning and making all the beds, so if I do this every day, I’ll ward off the grim reaper, or something to that extent. Plus, since I’m now spending so much time at home, it only makes sense to keep my surroundings nice and tidy. As a result, our home has never looked nicer.

 

I usually make time for unpleasantness during the day, be they planned or out of the blue. As I’ve written several times before, I need to make room for the horrible thoughts less they consume me, so (I know this will shock anyone who knows me), I do some guided meditations, and let all the sadness come out. Better that than the alternative - panic attacks. I can honestly say that I’ve never cried this much in my entire life, and that includes the pregnancies with their hormonal roller coaster rides.

 

I try to learn stuff, I have a long to-do list with stuff that I want to learn how to do for this site, but basically anything I didn't know will do. Today I learned that if you don’t have eyelashes or eyebrows, you really shouldn’t just put soap on your face and leave it there for a bit. It will sort of just slope down into your eyes. Bet you didn’t know that?

 

I read a lot. Like, loads. Biographies mainly, but since my attention span sometimes, depending on where I am in treatment, is that of a goldfish, I often just resort to social media… I know, it’s sad. I’ve taken to putting on music when I’m alone around the house, not really the things I used to listen to, but mainly Chopin. It’s kind of soothing and doesn’t really demand very much from me, and it’s still not boring. I'm basically like this little old lady walking around with stiff joints fluffing pillows and listening to classical music. But with wine. 

 

The thing is, I don’t really have that much energy. So if I manage to go out to meet someone for lunch, or go for a walk or fix some snacks for when the kids get home, for me that’s a good day, a day of accomplishment. Life has become so very small. And as I try to remind myself, my main job right now is to go through treatment and take care of myself as much as I can. Well, I try to remind myself. It's probably a good thing people around me do it too. 


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