Some news

by Hilla Duka

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I'm writing this post, to let you know what's going on right now. After this, I'll maybe write, but not just casually as before. Life takes unexpected turns, and mine has taken a new one. 

 

So, three days ago, I went for a checkup at my doctor's, to see if I could get some clarity into what has been going on lately with me. For two or three months, I've been tired, and coughing, and lately I found two lumps on my neck. To make matters worse, I knew I had a lump in my breast, though I kept telling myself that I was sure it was harmless and would go away. It didn't and so I booked an appointment to check it up in a few weeks, but honestly didn't connect the other symptoms to that lump. I got a bit of a scare when the doctor seemed to think that they were connected. She ordered a few blood tests, which I went to take the next morning. I didn't think much of it, since she'd told me I'd not hear anything for about two weeks. As I was leaving for lunch with a friend, the doctor called me on the phone, telling me my blood values were really low, and that I needed to go to the emergency to get a blood transfusion. At this point, I felt like I was in a Kafka book. I actually did go to lunch with my friend, and in hindsight I'm glad, because that was probably my last good meal for a long time. 

 

They ran some more tests at the hospital, and I accidentally got to see the paper faxed (!) over from my usual doctor's. "High suspicion of malignity", it said. That was the first time I understood I probably had cancer, that at the very least, things were really serious. That night ended with me having two bags of blood. The next day, I got to see a doctor, who checked the lumps on my neck, and my breast. Thanks to her, they did a punctuation of the lumps on my neck, and they turned out to be malign. The also did a mammogram, and a biopsy on one of the lymph nodes in the breast. Basically, they think it's breast cancer that's spread to the lymph nodes. 

 

I will know for sure Monday in a week, but that's over ten days away. Right now, I'm climbing the walls, wondering what kind of chance I've got to fight this - best case, worse case etc. All I know is that I will fight with every bit of energy I've got, to stay alive, to stay with my kids and with Ilir. Writing this, Milo has climbed into bed next to me, his little arms touching mine, the beauty of his body so close to mine. I would do anything to stay here with them. I will do anything to stay here with them. 

 

I have cancer. I will fight. That's all I know right now. 


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Johan S 2014-06-11

Hej Jag läste ditt meddelande igår och rördes starkare än på mycket länge. Jag tror på dig, Hilla och hejar allt vad jag kan där jag står alldeles nedanför ringen där du nu slåss för allt vad tygen håller mot den lede fi! /Johan

David 2014-06-11

Stay strong and with that positive attitude, you are already a hero, lots of greetings from Berlin

Jenny Westin Verona 2014-06-09

Hilla <3! Kämpa kämpa kämpa! Du är så stark, du måste klara det här!

Marie 2014-06-09

❤️️❤️️❤️️

Emma 2014-06-09

Fina fina Hilla, du är en kämpe som ingen annan, en av de starkaste kvinnorna jag känner! DU kommer klara det här!! Massa kärlek och styrka till dig <3

Heather 2014-06-09

Stay Strong HIlla! We love you! xxx

Kattis 2014-06-09

Men åh :( Jag blir så ledsen så ledsen :( Du fixar det här!! Kramar

Pete 2014-06-09

Sending all my positive energy and thoughts over now to help you on this journey to beat this....I know you can xxx

Fia 2014-06-09

Hills, you're a fighter in every way. You will get through this! Love you! Xxx

Lennart 2014-06-09

Tänker på dig. Du är en fighter!

Ulrika 2014-06-09

Styrkekramar i mängder!!! <3

Martin L 2014-06-09

Kom igen Hilla!!

Karl Å 2014-06-09

<3

Gloria 2014-06-09

Älskade Hilla! Jag vet att vi kommer att ses på kontoret snart igen och då kommer du vara frisk. Jag tänker på Sheryl Crow, Christina Applegate och Kylie Minogue och på många andra mindre kända tappra tjejer. Du kommer att klara det minst lika bra som de! Och Kafka böcker, de ser alltid värre ut än vad de egentligen är ;) stor kram!

Yu 2014-06-09

You will win it! Just trust yourself and stay strong! (And I already see it in the post!)

Jonathan 2014-06-09

Were all with you Hilla - your a fighter and you will beat this!!!

Pia F Hellquist 2014-06-09

Hilla! Jag har aldrig träffat dig, men hörde talas om detta och vill sända dig mina varmaste hälsningar. Det kommer att gå bra! Kram från Pia (Kristian Hellquists fru)

Li 2014-06-09

Du kommer ta fighten! Många tankar och mycket kärlek till dig! Mängder med kramar ❤️❤️

Teo 2014-06-09

This has been lingering inside my head, like dark cloud, all day. I can't express most of my thoughts right now. But win, win and show cancer how's boss!

Natalia 2014-06-09

Kärlek & styrkekramar!!

Nick 2014-06-09

Was shocked and saddened to hear this... Thinking of you and wishing you all the love and support I can from afar. My girlfriend Katie saw my face as i read this and came over to see what was wrong. Katie works alongside cancer doctors all day, - everyday. She reassures me this is one of those cancers that people can fight, that you can fight, you've very good chances. I've every faith you'll beat this, and next time I'm in Stockholm - I'm getting the pizza (Chuppa Chupps for dessert) xxx

Elin Håkansson 2014-06-10

Hilla, jag läser detta med tårar i ögonen. Så fruktansvärt. Men jag vet att du kommer klara detta. Min kusin, 20 år gammal, fick i vintras 2 tumörer i hjärnan. Tumörerna var de värsta på skalan och alla förberedde sig på det värsta. Igår fick han beskedet att cellgifterna funkat och han kommer bli frisk! Jag önskar och håller tummarna att du får samma glada besked när du genomgått din behandling. Fuck cancer <3 Din fd kollega Elin

Peter 2014-06-10

Så många bra och fina kommentarer och så modigt, starkt av dig att skriva om ditt tillstånd här. tack! Det kommer att gå upp och ner. Ibland känner du dig stark, en fighter som både du och alla säger här, men mest kommer du att känna dig svag, som skit, som att du inte orkar, men det gör du, det vänder, det blir bättre, det blir som det ska. Vi älskar dig när du är som svagast, när det är som mörkast och du behöver det som mest. När det ljusnar och du blir starkare så älskar du dig själv. När du tänker att inget spelar längre någon roll, då talar vi om för dig att det spelar all roll i världen. Att det löser sig. Kör hårt, du är inte ensam.

Rei 2014-06-10

We are fighting right with you, Hilla. Whatever you need, just say. Sending much love and light your way! xx