I'm writing this post, to let you know what's going on right now. After this, I'll maybe write, but not just casually as before. Life takes unexpected turns, and mine has taken a new one.
So, three days ago, I went for a checkup at my doctor's, to see if I could get some clarity into what has been going on lately with me. For two or three months, I've been tired, and coughing, and lately I found two lumps on my neck. To make matters worse, I knew I had a lump in my breast, though I kept telling myself that I was sure it was harmless and would go away. It didn't and so I booked an appointment to check it up in a few weeks, but honestly didn't connect the other symptoms to that lump. I got a bit of a scare when the doctor seemed to think that they were connected. She ordered a few blood tests, which I went to take the next morning. I didn't think much of it, since she'd told me I'd not hear anything for about two weeks. As I was leaving for lunch with a friend, the doctor called me on the phone, telling me my blood values were really low, and that I needed to go to the emergency to get a blood transfusion. At this point, I felt like I was in a Kafka book. I actually did go to lunch with my friend, and in hindsight I'm glad, because that was probably my last good meal for a long time.
They ran some more tests at the hospital, and I accidentally got to see the paper faxed (!) over from my usual doctor's. "High suspicion of malignity", it said. That was the first time I understood I probably had cancer, that at the very least, things were really serious. That night ended with me having two bags of blood. The next day, I got to see a doctor, who checked the lumps on my neck, and my breast. Thanks to her, they did a punctuation of the lumps on my neck, and they turned out to be malign. The also did a mammogram, and a biopsy on one of the lymph nodes in the breast. Basically, they think it's breast cancer that's spread to the lymph nodes.
I will know for sure Monday in a week, but that's over ten days away. Right now, I'm climbing the walls, wondering what kind of chance I've got to fight this - best case, worse case etc. All I know is that I will fight with every bit of energy I've got, to stay alive, to stay with my kids and with Ilir. Writing this, Milo has climbed into bed next to me, his little arms touching mine, the beauty of his body so close to mine. I would do anything to stay here with them. I will do anything to stay here with them.
I have cancer. I will fight. That's all I know right now.