As I am now dealing with the effects of the final chemo, I am struggling to close the chapter on this… experience. Seven months of my life have been put aside to be dealt with in little three week portions, they themselves divided into one and two week portions. One week for feeling wretched and horrible, two for recuperating - slowly getting back on my feet, staggering a bit more for each turn, and then we start anew. Ten rounds of this. It has left me crippled, humbled, horrifically changed, but so far I’m still alive.
I am still alive, and the tumour in my breast is gone. The metastases are probably still in my skeleton and bone marrow, and most likely they will one day start growing again. But as I've struggled to find out how to deal with that, I’ve realised that there is no way for me to prepare for the day when I’m told it’s growing again, and we have to resume treatment. It may be in three months or ten years - I have to live while I can. So I will consider this the closing of my chemo chapter, and be ready for what comes now.
It would be easy to think that there are only positive feelings associated with finishing chemo - and there is a certain element of success and happiness at being done with it. But there is also a lot of fear - fear and worry the cancer will start growing again once I’m no longer dosing it with toxics. I need to learn to live with that: these feelings will accompany me every step of the way for the rest of my life, and I need to find a way to make sure that I don't give them free reign and let them run my life.
Now comes hormonal therapies to make my body inhospitable for the cancer. Simply put: here comes menopause. These medicines have their side effects as well, but they are hopefully less severe than chemo. And along with those medicines come the slow and hard work of getting back into some kind of shape.
As the metastases weaken the skeleton I have to compensate with extra muscles in my back. Also, it seems a good idea to be able to walk more than a few hundred metres before needing to rest. It will be hard work but I try to think positively and focus on how good it’s going to feel to be strong again, to be able to go for a proper walk or do a full yoga session. During chemo I have both put on weight and lost muscles - now it’s time to deal with that!