Being weak

by Hilla Duka

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Five days in to the third treatment, and this time is definitely worse than the ones before. Day three I couldn’t do anything. I mean absolutely nothing. All day was spent lying down, sleeping on and off, while nausea and pain and uncomfortableness rolled over me in waves. Breathing was a task that had to be managed. On those days, it’s hard to find anything to be grateful for, other than when evening comes and I get to go to sleep and soon it’ll be another day. Being weak is not one of my stronger points, so this is a bit of a learning curve.

Little mr big man now...

Still life goes on around me, even when I’m not really participating in it. Milo has started training for school, so for three days now he’s been heading off in the morning, together with Ilir, to get to know his new teachers and the school. He’s been kind of nervous about it - it’s a big step - but calmed down as we talked about what a good situation he’s got going for him: two older brothers in school, who’ll always have his back. We were joking about how no one was going to dare to be mean to him (which was his major concern) with two fierce brothers around, and gradually the nerves receded, and now he’s really happy and proud to be starting school. I’m sad that I’m missing it, but at the same time grateful that I am at least here when he comes home, and get to hear about his day and what he’s learnt and done. I filled out his papers for school and his schedule, and under “Anything else we should know about?” I filled in “Milo is still not speaking clearly”, then as an afterthought, I wrote, “Also, his mother is suffering from breast cancer, stage four”. Well, yes, maybe they needed to know about that too...

 

Most people are going back to work now, and it’s making it harder to pretend that I’m just on a really long, weird holiday. I miss my job, I miss the people there. I miss being normal. I feel like I look and behave more and more as a cancer patient, no longer strong enough to go for a proper walk, my head bald, and now my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning out as well. I used to have hair down to my waist, thick eyebrows and long eyelashes. I used to at least be able to dress up and put on a pair of heels and still pass for decent-looking. Now, all I am is cancer-looking. That’s ok, and I’m really trying to not focus on that, but it’s harder than you think to let go, even of small stuff like that. Then add to that the effect of chemo brain, where my once so organised brain is no longer really working the same way, and I’m constantly in a haze of chemo fogs… I do feel in some ways as if I miss myself. I’m still grateful that I am here, but I wish I was more me. I try to focus on the fact that this too will pass, but as I’ve treatments lined up until February, it’s not like it will pass any time soon. And then there’s always the question of what comes after...

 

So, I focus on the shorter goals. Right now, it’s just getting past this first week of third treatment. Once that’s over, I should feel better again, more like myself. Then it’s managing no four and five, and then, it’s the big October checkup, halfway through the cycle of treatments. It’s the first real indicator of how the chemo is working, how much of the tumours are left. Even though it means a new bone marrow biopsy (not pleasant), it’ll be good to know how my body’s doing, to really be able to see that we’re making progress!


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Older comments

Neil 2014-08-15

Inspirational & so brave as ever Hilla x still praying for you & your family, your as brave & strong as anyone I've ever met, you keep kicking that things ass xxx

Simona 2014-08-13

Hila , I'm so proud of you. You write what you think and how you feel about you and about the people around you. It's the best treatment that you csn have. Please continue , don't stop share what ever you have in your hard. We love you and think about you allot. Sending you fromsus to you allot of energy and power to continue , every week another step to the goal! !!! Kisses Maor Metar family

Heather 2014-08-13

Hilla, every time I read something from your blog, I'm so glad to know you. Your family is growing up and you are blossoming in your journey with them. Thanks for being the most excellent person. All the love and good wishes!! And of course #fuckcancer cuz it's not what defines you. At all. Xxxxxx