So, on Friday I went, butterflies in tummy and all, to see my oncologist and find out the result of the last scan, and was very, VERY, relieved to hear there was no sign of new growth! The metastasis in my skeleton are still there, but nothing new is growing, so now we know that the hormone treatment is actually working for sure, until it stops working (which may sound dumb, but that’s actually how it works - they give you a drug, that keeps the growth at bay, and then at some point, you become immune to the drug, and bad things start to grow… and the real kicker is you have no clue as to how long until you become immune, could be months, could be years.)
My liver values on the blood tests where slightly worse, but according to the oncologist that’s explained by the fact that I am, as she put it, a bit on the rounder side, and - again her words - would probably not suffer if I shed a pound or two. Hear hear, doctor. The weight gain is one of the most bothersome bits of the cancer (aside from, you know, the not quite ignorable risk of dying). Aside from looks, it means getting around is heavier, and more difficult, and being physically active is one of the most important things in fighting this horror.
And as I raise my glass and say a silent, thankful prayer for good results, I look back on the three months since the last good news, and then ahead to what will hopefully be great news in three months (this is how I live my life now, nice and tidy compartmentalised boxes of three months) and I’m desperately, obsessively, thinking back on the time gone, the time to come: did I use it well enough, could I have been less stressed, raised my voice less with the kids, was I really present? I guess there’s no real answer there, but I’m happy that I’m asking the questions.
The three months to come will start to a trip to Gotland with the whole family, and I will make a massive effort to be present, create great, loving memories for the kids and for myself. We’ve actually made some efforts with the whole redecorating / create more space project, and I can’t wait to show it (but, you know, I will - wait I mean, because I’m going to what will hopefully be sunny Gotland right now)!