However I still focus way too much on work. I think about work when I’m not working, and I still answer my work emails at night. The last few months I’ve been so very stressed about work, as I managed to make the classic mistake of accepting a larger workload than I could actually do well, and that’s really affected me strongly. I don’t handle stress very well with my post-chemo brain, which means I need to get really good at not getting stressed. I haven’t been very good at that. I love my job, and I care what happens, but I need to improve myself here before I can be of help to anyone else. When I was on sick leave, all I wanted was to get back to work. Now that I’m working again, I realise it’s not as easy as that. It’s not just working, it’s working with a purpose, mindfulness at work, if you will.
Also, in the back of my head is this notion that I should do something great, for the good of others, and I’m really not doing that. Like, sell all my belongings and work with children in Syria or something. But I’m not, am I? Instead, I trudge along, see my therapist, my physiotherapist, the nurses. I take my medicines, I pray and hope for the best and I try to be thankful for every bloody day that I get. And then when some dull ache in my back won’t go away for days, I break down from the worry and agony of not knowing, of always waiting.
If in a week or whenever the results come in, I once again get the all-clear verdict, no sign of growth, how can I take that gift and spend those three months better? How can I make sure, that in the end, those months mattered? Im starting to get that these are questions I need to find a way to answer, if I want my life to have meaning and purpose.
Tomorrow is the easy bit. All I have to do is get a shot up my arm and lie in a machine. Next comes the hard part - waiting for news. And that’s the really fucked up bit - when you have advanced cancer, on some level you always do that - just wait for news and do your best to not completely lose your marbles while waiting.
Before I showed you our kids room solution with a triple bunk bed, and funnily enough those posts of the kids room are the most searched for and visited posts. Anyway, we’re pleased as punch with our kids room makeover, and so after a few futile attempts at quick fixes, we decided to treat the rest of the flat to the same makeover. Our goal for the summer is to make our two bedroom flat into a functional and beautiful home for five, where we’re often up to nine people. It sounds like close to impossible, but then again so did building a functional bed / playroom for three kids, but we managed that one, so I’m hopeful.
My favourite plant - a snake plant in a concrete flower pot - and new sofa, an IKEA Stocksund in dark gray (sooo comfy, but only fits three...)
There are no sacred cows here, no inside-the-box thinking allowed, and I’ll (try) to kill my darlings. I boost myself remembering how great the kids room turned out, but then I remember that this time it’s our bedroom, hallway, living room and kitchen. It’s figuring out spaces to eat, play, study, have alone-time and socialise with guests and family. That’s one tall order!
Trying to choose the perfect greige wall colour - can you see there are three different grays on that wall?
Anyway, I’m really chuffed we’re trying to stay in our flat, even if it might be a bit of a challenge finding solutions to all the different needs, but hopefully by the end of the summer we’ve made this work, and can start looking for summer houses as a reward! (That we in turn spend most of winter renovating...)